A Goal For The Future, A Future For The Goal

Currently, I am living in this cyclical state of wanting to create goals for myself but also not really wanting to put too much investment into the unknown future. This cyclical state is actually more like a tornado because it is definitely not getting me anywhere and definitely not helping.

Allow me to explain:

Generally speaking, goals are a great thing. As an athlete and a coach it is crucial for one to have set goals in mind in order to have something to strive for and to understand the intention you have for practice and competition. In life, goals are what usually separate the meek and weak from the truly successful ones, the "go getters" of society. Living life without ambition for something better is sort of like surrendering to the idea that you have no purpose. Realizing my own goals and pursuing them to the fullest is the only way to keep in true check with myself... Why am I here? What can I do in this world? Who do I aspire to be like? These questions can never be appropriately answered, but they really shouldn't be engaged without a fight.

Call me a fatalist, call me what you will, but it has always been really hard for me to make decisions based on promotion of the future. I imagine that this school of thought started after my accident, leaving me feeling as though ANYTHING could happen at ANY TIME. You can't plan for it, you can't change it, so you might as well not be bothered with it. Now I spend my days living in the present, "The Precious Present", if you will. It is far more comfortable and intelligent for me to think only about what I can do now to change or correct my current state. I can't help or know what is going to happen down the road, but I am responsible for what is happening now. So be it.

Now here is where it gets tricky. Having a desire to set goals for myself to engage in worthwhile activities and moments, yet all the while not really initiating future thought is nearly impossible. I do realize that in coming to India for this stem cell treatment that I was looking at my future, but I was looking at it through an opaque lens at best. I know that I want to lead a long and healthy life with few complications: that is my goal. Right now, I am having trouble maintaining such a fuzzy goal with so many others seeing it crystal clear for me. Duh Ryan, the goal is to walk. But is it? Does that truly have to be the end -all-be-all solution for what I am after?

In coming to India, I was actually quite nervous that my goals would change. That I would get asphyxiated with the idea of walking and would then transfer my life into thinking that I wouldn't be living a proper life without walking. This goal is very beautifully true for most people here and I can't help but feel a little offended. Am I not whole if I am not walking? Could I not be just as good from down here? At first I thought this feeling came from fear. I thought that if I had the goal to walk that I would not be able to live up to it and feel rejected forever. That is, with relief, not the case at all.

Surrendering to the idea that perhaps I am a little concerned for my future has not been any easier to swallow. I consciously remind myself throughout the hours of the day, that: if this was it could I be happy with that? But now, I am currently putting my entire life on hold to pursue a desire to extend myself beyond my current state of contentment. Wow, that is a lot of pressure. Luckily, I have found this experience thus far to be full up of reflection, learning, playing, and faith. I have found friends in a place where I didn't know I would need them. I have found love in the eyes of strangers. I have found an uncharted land full of beauty and wonder if you would only let it be so. I have found a piece of myself that I never knew I was missing.

Thank you India, thank you craziness, thank you stem cells, thank you unknown, thank you friendship, thank you goals, and thank you future.

P.S. Today is India's Independence Day to be celebrated with no Physio and a dance party downstairs. More on that later.

And Then There Were Two?

Today was quite a trip. I think that my character is continually being tested at any open avenue that could possibly be accessed.

Not only did we bid farewell to Erin this morning, we almost bid double-farewell to Kanako as well. Poor Kanako, her beautiful puppy, Payshia, is not doing well without her. She has Addison's Disease and has been on a downward spiral ever since Kanako left. It is probably mostly due to Kanako's nurturing soul that Payshia is missing and feeling like one sick pup.

We all spent the entire day on the computer taking turns looking for flights, talking with airline associates on the phone, and reassuring the whole of India that Payshia was going to be okay.

Sarah and I hugged Kanako goodbye at about 8 o'clock this evening with a very hopeful flight itinerary. I guess it wasn't hopeful enough. By the time she made it to the airport, the airline employees professed that it was too late. So over the phone lines we schemed, determined and ready to get Kanako on a dang flight...until I found one! I hope!

I am sitting here alone in my Green Park Hospital room only for the third time since I arrived. I am waiting to hear that Kanako is safely on her overpriced way home. Watch out Beijing, Kanako may be in town! I will keep you all updated with her travels in the meantime.

As for me, as it is always sad to see friends go, I feel a bit lighter knowing that Kanako can be reunited with Payshia and begin nursing her back to health. I feel so much more comfortable knowing that both of their stresses should be relieved soon. I also feel a healthy sense of solitude that I haven't had much time or space to endure while in India. I am sure in about 20 minutes I will be missing my friends and want so badly to have the fake-foldout, ugly blue couch occupied; along with shoes and bags laid out like ornaments on a Christmas tree. But for now, I will sit on my halfway made bed and watch some Olympic Badminton because that is really all India is interested in anyways. Maybe so am I.

"Pandora's Box"

Dr. Ashish-o and I are on the same wavelength. I think that we have both been wracking our brains trying to figure out how to reach that spot of broken vascularity in my trunk in attempt to bring back the oxygen that portion of my spine needs.

Now I am no surgeon and I am no spinal cord expert... everything I know I know from personal experience, but I still understand the need for my new baby stem cells to find that one broken link to reset everything in my trunk. So yesterday Dr. Ashish did exactly what I would have done, if that matters at all.

I was taken, once again, into the Operation Theatre by OP and his gang of techs, one of the sisters, and greeted by a smiling Dr. Ashish. Dr. Ashish's smile is so big that you can even see it through his surgical mask and feel it from the hallway. Right away they got me into position, lying on my side in a small scrunched up ball with only inches between my forehead and knees. I was given an epidural injection of cells, below my site of injury (probably about belly button level on my back). This injection was very much like one that I had received at the beginning of my stay; however, it came with a very interesting surprise...

For the first time during a procedure, when punctured near my spine I have never so much as bled even a drop. This time, Dr. Ashish was quite pleased to find that my back bled so much that they need to clean up after it was all done. My first instinct was to be grossed out by it, until I looked up to see how elated Dr. Ashish was at this new reaction. The sole fact that my lower half is becoming more vascular is wonderful, but even more wonderful is the fact that it is exactly what my out-of-order trunk needs.

I spent 5 hours lying flat with bricks to invert me, then another half hour on my side, only to get up rather quickly to jump in the taxi waiting downstairs to whisk us back to Green Park. There was barely a moment to get my IV canula removed, let alone enjoy the cup of tea that Sarah and Kanako had waiting for me.

This procedure was pretty exciting for me because it was the first one that I felt like was truly specialized for my case. I have been told several times by several sources that my situation is very different than any other that has rolled through the door before, as if I am shocked about that.

I will have one more procedure before I leave and return back to the real world. This will be yet another dreaded lumbar puncture, since I performed so well at it before. From my understanding it will happen next week with the exact day and time remaining to-be-determined, as if I am shocked about that either.

I Had The Time Of My Life

Erin left for home this morning. Henceforward, I will truly miss my gelato buddy, the professional photographer of our daily lives, and the most even-keeled of the lot of us.

After a wonderful goodbye dinner, we headed to a local discotheque where we easily found our way to the karaoke machine. We delightfully serenaded each other with our best renditions of "I Will Survive", "Take It Easy", and "I'll Be Watching You." But Erin and I brought down the house with a special duet of "I Had The Time of My Life" from the original Dirty Dancing Soundtrack. It was irresistible, lasting remnants include a sore throat and a slight regret for agreeing to be the boy voice.

Erin is a wonderful friend for putting her life on hold to be in India with me. Her compassionate nature and willingness to let everything go for all of us will, sadly, not be able to be replaced in these last weeks of my stay.

I want to thank Erin for being such a crucial part of this journey for me. This has been far much more than I could have ever imagined. Without these beautiful friends of mine, I would have never made it this far alone. In short, Erin wins the gold for putting up with my endless shenanigans.

We will miss Erin. India will miss Erin.

Following Procedures When Screwing Around

Tomorrow we had some big plans to celebrate Erin's last day in Smelly Delhi... We were to venture off to Old Delhi, the more northern, crowded, dirty, yet painfully authentic part of this giant city. There are many famous sites, including the Red Fort, the fairly famous Jama Masjid Mosque, and a market called Chandi Chowk (not for the faint at heart, so I am told).

However, in the spirit of all things Indian, I just found out that I am to have a procedure tomorrow at the Gautam Nagar Hospital. This procedure is a "simple" one-day procedure, or at least that is the last word I heard on it. From my knowledge, this procedure is going to be quite similar to the very first one that I had, only this time in a different area of my spine. (Last time it was down at the absolute base of my spinal column). If I had to guess, I would say that Dr. Ashish, the guru visionary of stem cell procedure, would inject somewhere near my T5 injury-- the injury that I sustained due to a stroke shortly after my initial spinal cord injury of L1/2. I think that he is bound and determined to direct cells towards that missing link of vascularity that is keeping all the lights out on that block of vertebrae.

Right now, the real goal in terms of getting back lost function would be to increase the blood supply to the area between T5 and L1 were it was suffocated and lost. It is amazing because it really would only take one new cell to complete the circuit to send the blood rushing back in. Once this happens, the entire area--both motor and sensory--should be completely restored. We are all placing bets on this you see because both Dr. Shroff and Dr. Ashish state that it will happen quite suddenly and without any regard for my surprise. Maybe it will happen here. Maybe it will happen while I am swimming. Maybe it will happen in my sleep. Maybe it will happen a year from now. Maybe it will happen in the middle of a thunderstorm. Maybe it will happen on a slow boat to China. Maybe it will happen.

For now, I work on the things that are present and controllable, like shopping... and eating... and laughing... and exercise... and screwing around.

Meeting In Drops of Water

Everybody needs a support system to be able to keep a steady, forward motion in their lives. This support generally comes from the people that are closest to them and reverberates outward just like drops of water will on the surface of the many resting drops that had already before.

Just to be able to take this leap to India and to be strong enough to test my will everyday could have only been successful through the help of the hundreds of people in my life. I have so many people that are carrying me through this experience that I feel that I am already walking on my own.

The remarkable thing, however, is that I relished in all of you people in my life as I headed over oceans to reach this place... but I never in a million years thought that I would gain even more people in my life to help along the way. I suppose it is true that friends will always find you, and that result of a single drop of water can leave quite a lasting result if you let it.

Receiving daily emails and phone calls and blog comments have been absolutely crucial to my progress, but so has the real-time development of friendships and those new memories. I never realized just how much I would need love here as well.

I owe so much to all of the other patients (like Michael) at the hospital, to be able to communicate the few words that you can string together to actually attempt to make sense of this crazy ride, is so important. Sometimes you can't help but to feel all alone in terms of emotion, until you go down the hall and knock on the door of a friend that is feeling the most similar of fears and hopes as well.

There is also something really to be said about the staff here. If I were to try to name them all I would just end up with an entire list of the crew here at Green Park and Gautam Nagar, and with a lot of spelling mistakes. I owe it to the doctors, the physiotherapists, the sisters, the ward boys, the receptionists, to everyone that continues to smile when I may not want to.

Vandana has been especially formative in my development here. She pushes me to a level of progressive discomfort. She is honest, but never brash. She is the most reliable person I think I have ever met. She will tell it as she sees it, and is always willing to listen to my silly suggestions. She has grown to love us gals, even though she fought it hard at first. We make each other laugh everyday as she helps me across the parallel bars and stretches the most unstretchable of bodies (I suppose minds too, at times). I actually know that she has no clue about the impact she is leaving inside of me.


I feel that I am gaining so much out of this experience aside from what I had originally set my sights on. As my body is reconnecting from the inside out, my mind and newest loved ones are connecting from the outside in.

Olympic Fever Is Not a Threat In Delhi

All of us here have been talking about the Olympics long before it even started. Indians as a whole don't really seem to have much of an eye on the event, nor do they really seem to have excitement for sport in general if it doesn't involve the word "cricket."

I have been noticing for weeks now the vast difference between athleticism here as compared to that in the US. Back home there is a strong sense for sport and competition in a rainbow of realms, being able to see people exercising virtually everywhere in every facet. In Colorado, especially, there is almost a new sport for every day of the month. It is sort of a fad really, with over-sized and overstocked stores supplying the latest in hi-tech gear to foster all of your tragically competitive needs as well as guaranteeing you at least look the part.

Virtually every day we travel to Siri Fort Sports Complex to go swimming. This complex is rather extravagant in that it features, not only an Olympic-sized pool for swimming, but also a range of other sports as well: golf, shooting, basketball, tennis, yoga, etc. This facility, however, as comprehensive as it is, still smells like Delhi and has many typical Indian rules. The elite few who are fortunate enough to gain membership here come to workout quite regularly. I can only speak for those in the pool, but swimming in India means something entirely different than it does in the States. All that I can say is it is no wonder that there are only 4 Indian swimmers competing in this year's Olympics.

So with that said, I suppose that I am not that surprised about the lack of enthusiasm here about the Olympics. Most of the people I have talked to don't plan on viewing at all, or ask what events they offer.

The 4 of us crowded on my bed to watch the Opening Ceremonies the other night and hooted and hollered for India as well as all of the countries who had less than a proper team's worth of athletes... we did this out of great pride for sport and fun, as well as for the commentary on uniforms the athletes displayed as they marched through in their country's honor.

(I learned from that experience that I will probably need to enroll in a World Geography course about once every 6 months when I get home.)

We are all trying with great desperation to bring the Olympic Fever to Delhi, perhaps it has a long incubation period though. Every day for the next 3 weeks we will continue to hoot and holler for swimming and cycling and gymnastics and football and basketball and perhaps boxing and--I suppose--archery (these being the sports most widely shown here).

Thank you DD Sports for being the only channel in Delhi to broadcast the whole thing and for consciously taking a monetary dive to do so for the sake of sport!!