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Sweating & Quivering

It has been an interesting transition back into the real world. So interesting, in fact, that I feel like I have done a pretty good job of neglecting communication with my body. In India, I got very good at checking in with my body to note any changes or cries for help. But being back in the States, surrounded by loads of laundry, piles of labs to grade, and catching -up dinners I have somehow forgotten what it was like to whisper inside and make sure everything was okay.

Until yesterday.

I was sitting in my classroom with the lights off doing some grading. Yesterday was a non-pupil contact day for the students, so I was able to try to gain my barrings again, at least in that aspect of my life. While I sat, I noticed that my lanyard that holds my keys and school identity conveniently around my neck was quivering. It was quivering because my stomach was quivering. Now it is no shocker that my stomach was engaging in spasm... it does so frequently when changing temperatures or sensing pain. However, this time was different. 1) Because there was no pain and 2) because it wasn't stopping. After awhile of gazing, I touched my stomach to see if it would stop shaking only to find that it was sweating profusely! And when I say sweating, I mean WET sweat. To investigate further I concluded that my entire lower back was wet as well. So wet that my t-shirt had been saturated with sweat.

It is a very known fact that people with spinal cord injuries tend to sweat a lot right at their site of injury, which was exactly where I was sweating (L1-L2). The only disconcerting thing was that I hadn't sweat like this since I was in the hospital with a back brace strapped to me. What I mean is that I haven't felt this sensation in over 10 years.

The sweating and quivering continued through most of the day. In fact, I am still a little sweaty writing this post. I'm not sure that it means anything of substance, but it is interesting to say the least.

And for those of you wondering... yes, I touched my stomach to make sure that I hadn't suddenly regained sensation and hadn't noticed yet.

An Invitation of Monotony & Comfort

I figured that when I got home I would be able to sense a lot more of my progress than I did in India. For the most part, I was right.

Being sort of back in a routine here at home I am easily getting stuck in the monotony that life tends to comfort you with. This monotony is actually quite welcomed for 2 reasons: 1) To be able to recall what my life was like before India, and 2) To be able to notice when things are not quite the same as before. Both of these aspects apply to me physically as well as emotionally.

Prior to venturing to India, I would have never suspected that something was missing from my life or that I didn't completely know who I was. After having spent everyday out there, literally and figuratively, standing in front of myself and having to face my own fears and hopes and determinations on a daily basis; this can take a toll on one's ego, but also send it soaring to a new level of awareness of being. I feel so blessed to have undergone this journey to have been able to explore my innards and ignite my soul. I can't simply remember what it was like before to not know.

Likewise, this summer has leant me a new promise of expectation for my body. By no means can I feel, but I do recognize my body in a way that I never have. All of the little neural excitations that are being formed are causing a heat-wave, a carnival ride, and a downpour all at the same time. Although I welcome these changes, sometimes I do not pay the attention to them that they deserve because sometimes I don't really believe myself that they are there.

I am excited to continue my everyday, mundane life here in order to challenge what I know in every possible realm. It is important to always be able to challenge what you know and what you are comfortable with. For without being able to launch yourself out of your own identity and comfort, you will ever truly know your how your honest, ever-cautious soul feels on the matter.