Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Tao Of Spider

I lay here in bed after a long day of healing, in the pitch dark save the bedside lamp that emits light about as appropriate as a single tea-light candle. The mood is perfect for contemplation. The Shins hum somewhere in the distance. One thing that bed rest supplies you full of is a good sense of self-reflection and self-conversation.

As I gaze upward towards where I wish the stars would be, my eyes innately trail the only moving feature in their view. It's the eyes job to do such a thing, a natural defense from being poked out, I suppose. That feature just so happens to be a faint little spider making his way across my ceiling. Ewww... you say. Fascinating... I say.

This spider, no larger than a pencil eraser, attempts his journey with such intent and purpose. I admire that, all the well knowing that this little creature has about as much of a brain as my little finger does... maybe less.

He stops momentarily. For what? To reroute? To flee? To buy his girlfriend flowers?

This absolutely seemingly meaningless venture proves to me that we all have natural needs and desires to meet, whether we have a brain large enough to perceive them or not. I seem to think that I know what I want and what I need, but deep down there is a smarter me that is making all of the right decisions, even when not so transparent decisions are seen to be made.

There are so many moments where I feel defeated, like my life is stuck, at a standstill, a standoff. Who's going to pull the trigger first? But, in actuality, my life continues just as before, just as always. There is no moment that the little spider doesn't PHHHHTTT PHHHHTTTT PHHHHHHT his 4-sets of legs with purpose. Same with me. Just because my life is proceeding in a sub-ordinary fashion to all current witnesses, doesn't mean for a second that it is all for loss.

I am no less here now than I was two months ago, or two months from now for that matter. And as long as I remain alongside that little spider, my wheels will continue to spin in one way or another and life will, once again, surprise me.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Back To The Place Where It All Began

Just as I was starting to get the pull of insanity of my forced home-stay, a hidden blessing shot me like a arrow to the butt.

Thursday night a coworker of mine came up to my house to deliver food and visit. On her departure, she gave me a hug to remind me that everything was going to be okay. The hug helped. The one thing that she noticed, however, was that I was warm to the touch. Once she left I took my temperature and it was 101.8! HOW??? The only remedy I could muster was to get some rest.

The next morning, before my routine morning protein shake I made it a priority to check my temperature again, first thing. My temperature was 97.1. PHEW!!!

Now here's where it all goes
D
O
W
N
hill...

I had a scheduled doctor's appointment later that day to check on the progress of my healing wound and my overall health. Wouldn't you know? My fever was back, and in the fiercest of manners. Immediately thoughts go to my wound. The surgeon checked it out and scratched his head in the utmost of confusion. The would actually looked okay. So where was the cause to this temporal immune response hiding its very unwanted little self?

After urine test and blood test and chest x-ray there was little relief to this little game of hide-and-seek. From there I was sent to another clinic to get a CAT scan to check for possible internal infections. There the culprit was found. The scan showed small pockets of fluid, abscesses, that were invading my pelvic bone.

Immediately, as immediate as hospital time ever is, I was admitted (or readmitted, rather) to the hospital that I left only 6 short weeks ago. Test after test after poke after prod leave the consensus to be a potential residual infection in my pelvic bone.

Luckily for me, I didn't need to go back to the operating room. I was so fearful, having nightmares even, thinking I was going to have yet ANOTHER wound to heal. I also had a brief, yet horrific, image of having my entire pelvis removed. Is that even possible?

After it was all said and done I left the hospital feeling renewed. I guess there really is a reason for everything. I had become so antsy with my healing and so obsessed with time and the fact that TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS. Time was certainly not healing my wound fast enough. I dreamed of tomorrow and made plans for the future-- all of this being extremely unhealthy for me. My short outings with the rest of the world slowly turned into resentment holidays. I hated those people on there bicycles and running down paved trails. This person was not me. I could feel it, but I didn't feel like I could do anything to help it...

UNTIL, a twist of fate ended me back in the place that this all started. I guess I needed a reminder of how far I have come already and another reminder of how I am so blessed that it could be so much worse.

So, with my new perspective in one hand and my old optimism in the other, I prepare to skip down the road of life and towards whatever lies ahead for me... with a smile, of course.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Top 10 Things That Make You Feel Better

1. Frozen meals prepared with love by co-workers and parents of students alike.
2. Phone calls to friends who put their agendas away to find out about your healing progress.
3. Spider Solitaire.
4. Getting enough sleep... 5 hours per night is never going to cut it again.
5. Craft projects and pretty paper.
6. White chocolate chip oatmeal cookies.
7. Knowing that patience truly is a virtue; that is attainable.
8. Really, really hot showers.
9. The motivation that everything is going to be illuminated on the other side of this all.
10. Realizing that the sun rises and sets every single day and so should I.