Moving Backwards Into Tomorrow?

It'll be one day shy of ten months since I have set foot in my classroom. It has been that long since I have scratched out lesson plans 20 minutes before acting them out, gabbed with kids about their teenage woes over lunch, jammed the copy machine, and woke up before 5AM.

It feels like a different world, another time, yet I will be back in full-swing early tomorrow morning. One of my most prominent fears of this whole thing is that all of my self-reflection and awareness of life that I have explored over the past months will be lost. I will step foot into my old life, moving backwards, losing all of my forward momentum. Is that possible? Can you really MOVE in any direction other than forward, facing the future with your present? I hope not.

I have come too far to go back to where I was. I am in such a precious place in between my cerebrum and this vast planet: somewhere, I reside in the combination of both. I enjoy what I have discovered about myself and how I fit in this world. I am far more wise about my actions and far more enlightened about my thoughts.

We will only wait and see what happens to me as I join back into living in the "real world". One can only tell. I am going to hold onto my strength of self and grip it with white knuckles, waving it around for all to see. I am going to keep small pieces of that same strength in my pocket, hoping to not confuse it with grocery lists, tardy notes, and fortune cookie wisdom.

Turning-Points & Stepping Stones

Sometimes you meet someone that you know, right away, will impact you forever. This is a rare, yet cherished moment of humanity.

Going into my meeting with the director for Pennies for Peace, I just knew that this would be one of those circumstances. I have researched and understand the mission behind this organization and I was sure that this was both the turning-point and stepping stone that I've been searching for all along.

Our meeting was far more magical than I could have ever pretended it to be in my head. This woman is courageous and strong-willed. She is compassionate and intuitive. However, the most remarkable part was that we mirrored each other so well. I can't fully describe our meeting, nor do I feel the need to. Just trust me.

Now, I look upon this experience with such glory. It all started out with a simple email during my own personal journey (Day 18). My desires to become a better global citizen and more true to myself led me to Pennies for Peace. But today I feel like my introduction to all of this now means so much more...

An Experience Revisited: Phoenix Security

I received a letter in the mail from Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport today. This letter acknowledgeed my complaint (from Day 1) and asked for me to contact them to review further information.

Having little experience on matters of complaints, I dialed the number at the bottom of the signature. The soft voice on the other end answered bluntly only by name. I believe I began with something like this: "Uhh, my name is Ryan McLean and I am returning a call from you about a... complaint? I'm not sure if it is a considered a complaint..." The TSA Customer Support agent, simply replied with a, "Yes, it is a complaint, and that it should be."

She asked me to recount the day. I did so similarly to how I would to a friend, not even leaving out the part where I told the security supervisor that if he wanted documentation he could look at the scar on my butt. I didn't mean that statement as disrespectful. In the heat of my moment of panic, I would have gladly showed that only documentation that I had on my person!

The TSA agent was kind and concerned for my care in Phoenix. In her letter she stated that, "we need to be humane and responsive to the various medical needs of the traveling public..." She explained to me the need for this letter to be directed to the management of security, which she would do so personally. She also expressed gratitude towards me for even writing a letter and how she hoped that it would become a learning tool for future security agent training sessions. It was encouraging to hear that my words were acknowledged and that those words may even make a difference for future passengers. I suppose that is why people complain in the first place?

After recounting that day at the airport, the agent simply asked me what I would hope to see from this. I explained to her how I am not someone to disobey rules, especially those in place for my own and everyone else's safety; however, it was the act of complete disregard that was felt that day in the rows of shoeless passengers lined like cattle herds. I spoke to her frankly and with great passion. These security personnel need to be educated on disabilities. They need to be able to understand basic information regarding different disabilities, as well as how to approach issues that may be different from the rules written. The problem from the very beginning, that day, was that no one took into account that it wasn't my choice to live life like this, and there was nothing that they could say or restrict from me to change that. Perhaps not only airport security officials need a training session on this...

What Seems To Be Over...

...has only just begun.

PROJECT ME has officially ended based on the instructions that I had placed upon myself. It was a very intense few weeks filled with stressful moments of picking tasks, as well as equally stressful moments of carrying out those tasks. But it has all been so worth it. Every last second of it.

I have learned so much from these experiences, ranging from understanding how my physical endurance relates to my mental endurance, all the way to realizing the potential impact of standing up and speaking for something that is important to me.

From all of this, I am changed. Knowing that it is over leaves me with a bit of relief for the sense of stress that can be felt when choosing an experience. However, even more so is the feeling of anxiety that is left in this now vacant space in my being. I am so afraid that I will lose the openness and mindfulness that I have developed through these days. I have spent so much time tuning into my soul and broadcasting as far through the world that it would reach, that I now know what it all feels like and what it all means to me.

One thing that I didn't realize at first, or even at twenty-first, is that the process of this project seemed to have a span of impact. My thoughts and feelings suddenly weren't the only ones that were being affected. I am proud, yet almost speechless, to say that some of what I have written and expressed from all of this has translated to others. It has been a big, fat blob awarded the power of being molded to anything that may fit the reader at that specific time. Taken what could be from each day, the reader could hold close any part that resonated and leave the rest there for someone else to ponder. This whole thing has been remarkable.

I cannot go back to the way things have played out for me in the past. I must be strong enough and courageous enough to keep the drive for bettering myself and the world, even though the monotony and comfort of an old self can be quite strong too. I will continue to remain within myself but also surrounded from all sides. Focusing on these things will always bring me great wisdom, I am certain.

If ever I feel like I am being sucked backwards into a time where motions have no meaning, I will look to those times where I forced myself into something new everyday. I will recreate some of that magic through even more new experiences, because I know so many more exist. .

So where does this leave me? The answer is: It doesn't.