My Conscious Memory

Often, I find myself trying to remember the slightest details as time does its ticking. I focus on sounds and colors and smells and feelings. I am trying, ever so desperately, to consciously create a memory.

For the most part, this effort is highly successful and I can be proud of that new moment that is now, forever, embedded deep within my cerebrum.

Today, was definitely one of those days.

I am starting to think that the process of conscious memory should happen more often in my life. The more things that I actively try to create as a memorable experience, the more of those memorable experiences I will have. Right?

Thirty & Thirsty.

For those of you that know me, it is no surprise that I spent the initial hours of my birthday rubbing tired 4AM eyes and hopping into an icy abyss of chlorine. Now, in my opinion, THAT is a celebration of life!

Stroke after stroke, breath after breath, I pondered my very existence the only way appropriate for such an early morning workout. I began asking myself, "What have I done in 30 years?" As the strokes became easier and the breath less labored, my question transitioned ever so slightly into, "What haven't I done in 30 years?"

This question proved to be the better of the two. I then could direct my attention to those goals and dreams that have been resting idle as well as those ever-scary "shoulda, woulda, couldas." The difference between now and every time prior: those thoughts felt freeing, empowering even.

I am a 30 year old woman with a lot of experience tucked tightly into my overflowing pockets. I have lived a life that few have journeyed and I have traveled beyond my own imagination over and over again. I am sparked by the prospects that the future may hold, for better or worse. For one of the greatest lessons that these 30 years have given me is that it ALL is worth it. I am 30 and thirsty!

T-Shirts!

Just a quick note:

For those of you who attended the June fund raiser held in my honor by two amazing young women, Sophie and Jordan, you may remember the awesome t-shirts they had made. For those of you who couldn't attend, take my word for it.

At their request, I would like to announce that

if you would still like to purchase a t-shirt there are some leftover. I'm not sure about sizes or quantities, but if interested please shoot over an email to:

inspiredshirts@gmail.com

Growing Up Takes Time

Growing up is something that happens to everyone, if they are lucky enough. It comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes. It becomes a drastically different concept the closer you are to reaching it. It is fantastically uncharted territory that everyone dreams about on some level. It is scary.

If we were to pause and take a flashback into a time where I was too young to drive, too young to have a mortgage, and too young to be disappointed we would see the half-my-current-age me longing for nothing more than to ace my dreaded biology final and buy that awesome shirt at the mall.

That same Ryan would also be dreaming of her future like any other teenager would. It is so remarkable how those ideas tend to change through time by the hands of your experiences alone.

Beyond myself, I would gaze into the future of my friends. I would wonder about their existences and mine down the road. Would we still be in each others' lives? Would we all be happy?

Over the past two weekends I have spent some time gazing into the current futures of my friends. I have been to the baby shower of a beloved friend and the engagement party of another; both of who were bound to me with something stronger than blood that night over 13 years ago that changed everything.

To watch these friends grow and change and add to their lives in the form of companions, family, friends, and now babies I couldn't help but feel a beaming from my heart. These strong and deserving friends of mine are growing up. They are beginning new journeys that will take them very far for a very long time. I am so proud to even witness it.

As for me? I am still searching. I am sort of realizing that part of my path is to remain a searcher. For some reason I need that unbalanced side to keep everything in place. I am growing up, just not the way that I had particularly fantasized about so long ago. However, this life that sits before me is, undoubtedly, a comforting mix of chaos and drawing outside of the lines.

I appreciate it everyday, so much that I have wholeheartedly stopped fantasizing about the future.