Grandma's Rings

For those who know me, you know that I wear--almost obsessively--a wedding band and ring on the wrong finger (of course). These rings were my great-grandmother's wedding rings and a gift from my grandmother who passed a little over 2 years ago.

I cherish these rings, not only for their history and family connection, but because it became a sort of silent mantra sung to me everyday in the voice of my grandmother. I spend my days twirling the rings around my finger, because apparently my great-grandmother had hands more reminiscent of a great-grandfather. Being so fearful of wearing diamonds, I check my hand multiple times a day, making sure that I didn't lose them or break them or ruin them.

And then it happened...

I lost one of the diamonds in the band. The last one of five, to be exact. I was sick, I am sick about it... but it got my mind churning once again as it does when little instances poke in my life. I am sure there is meaning behind this event.

So, I lost a stone. It's not the fact that it looks tacky or unfinished. It's the fact that I lost a part of my grandma and great-grandma with it. Please, it has nothing to do with the cost of the diamond or the cost to fix it for that matter. It is simply about me losing a piece of something so precious to me.

But... what is lost? Losing this stone didn't cause me to lose any memories from before. Losing this stone didn't take me any further from my grandmother in my mind. And on some level I can relate this instance to my recent health matters.

I am so tormented by having this infection and being sick, like a part of me has been damaged and lost in the process. Not the "true" ME, but the aesthetic ME... the diamond-band-with-a-missing-stone ME. But having this physical lesson in loss with the ring, I have come to realize how much your mind and spirit can take precedence over your body. Yes, my body is damaged and yes, it will most likely be damaged for good... but what does that mean? Nothing. Nothing, other than all of the knowledge I have gained from the experience. Nothing, other that all of the insight that has fed my soul.

So hear I sit, hole in my ring, hole in my butt. No better, no worse for having so. For physically, I maybe be struggling; but as long as I have my mind to balance things out, I will ALWAYS be okay.

The Light At the End Of the Tunnel Comes From Within

Having little success in changing the mind of the big bully business masked as simple health care, I am now forced to come to terms with the fact that Craig Hospital will NOT be a part of my recovery plan.

Kaiser, being stubborn and proud, could not comprehend how somewhere like Craig Hospital could possibly be able to perform at heights or lengths beyond themselves. Perhaps one day I can change their minds... but in the meantime I am preparing for surgery next Wednesday, the 29th.

At first I was rather scared and apprehensive about my proposed plan of action, being one that includes a "get rid of it at all costs" sort of approach. At the cost of my current sitting posture? Yes. At the cost of potential use of extremity muscles in the future? Absolutely.

Frightened, I tried desperately to wheel-and-deal with the plastic surgeon to try to find some kind of a happy medium. Though, as he quickly explained in a less than soothing manner, that if we skimp on any one part of the procedure, my likelihood of returning to this current state is inevitable.

I agree.

So here I am, the last day hooked up to that once disgusting, now calming wound VAC of mine. The plastic surgeon is taking it off today to prepare the wound for surgery-- by sticking a bleach solution in it to clean it. GROSS!

As for my job, I tend to remain the luckiest girl in the world. In speaking with the new principal, it has been decided that I can continue the leave I began in the spring, and I will do so through the first semester. I will return to my latest kiddos in January. Much longer than I would have hoped, but at least I will be able to be a half of this school year! The extra time will also provide me with a much needed breath from all of the stress and turmoil this little infection has caused me.

With a settling mind and a strong sense of patience, I will get through this all before I know it. It will soon be a memory of things not so bad. That is how it always works-- those memories of past sadness and distress fade to those things that are much more warm and precious to remember. I look forward to that.

Fingers Crossed

As of Friday, I am now trying something A LOT out of my element. To my relief, a friend that works at Craig Rehab Hospital came to my rescue by securing me an appointment with, not just a Craig doc, but the Medical Director himself! During that appointment it was decided that SOMETHING additional needed to be done. Kaiser was stumbling in several areas: 1) taking far too long to address my medical plan, 2) the lack of an infectious disease doctor in my life, 3) neglecting communication among departments that are crucial to my recovery, and 4) understanding not only the past in terms of the cause of this whole ordeal, but also the future and further prevention of such an event later on in life.

So it's been said that Craig Hospital is, by far, one of the most amazing hospitals in the States and definitely the place where I would like to spend my surgery and recovery. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to fight for my health, and ultimately my life back.

I am currently in the process of emulating the most annoying patient the medical community has ever seen. I have put phone calls into my primary care doc, my general surgeon, as well as my chronic care coordinator in order to try to get referred to Craig Hospital for my treatment.

Now, if I've learned anything about Kaiser, I have learned that they are quite proud. This could be considered such an asset, that is unless you are trying to flee the system. My normally cool and remarkably passive behavior is going to have to be altered. Just call me Mr. Hyde. I hate to see this demeanor for myself; however, I am unsure of how else to proceed.

To top that, there is a fairly high probability that I will forced to resign from my current teaching position due solely to the fact that I have no idea when a full recovery will actually take place. Not necessarily at the fault of the school or the school system, I realize that, but it certainly doesn't help me pay those piling medical bills.

I have no faith in Time and those tricky games he tends to play on me. Fingers crossed, things will start turning around soon and all of those bullies in my life, like Time and Money and Planning and Luck will start to accept me once again and throw me a party in the end.

My Train Wreck

Only recently have I ever understood those depression commercials where they have a cartoon character releasing teardrops into their morning cereals, fighting to find meaning to get up and go. This is probably the most notable reason for my lack of writing and updating, although there have been others.

I currently have a broken computer and wait daily for Dell to surprise me with my new best friend. Being without has made bed rest a lot less tolerable. One thing that has kept me going through this all is the new addition of my first niece, Marleigh Jane. She's a hoot and knows exactly how to make me smile without even opening her eyes.

As for my current medical status, I just found out yesterday that I will be having yet another surgery before this ordeal comes to an end. This will be, if anyone is keeping score, the 4th surgery since I became ill back in March. The difference between this surgery and the others that I have sustained is that they are filling holes this time rather than making them.

After a rather frustrating game of "Monkey in the Middle" with different Kaiser departments, it has been determined that the plastic surgery team will carry my case. I met with Dr. McDowell, the plastic surgeon, yesterday. He informed me that I am to have surgery in about a month, where they will take my right hamstring muscle and cut it off the knee in order to stretch it up to my buttocks area. This is an utter disappointment to me because of all of the work that I have done thus far with trying to regain muscle control in that area. By moving that muscle and the adjacent tissue, they will be able to successfully close the wound for good and I will lose any hope of ever using that muscle again.

Along with the wound closure, the plastic surgery team will be assessing my pelvic bone and hip. With any luck, they will only need to scrape it a bit to rid it of any infection. I have been warned, however, that the bone could be more extensively infected and need the care of the osteopaths to cut the diseased bone away. I am hoping for the slight scrape as opposed to the cut-it-out method, for obvious reasons.

In the meantime, I am modifying my bed rest schedule to include various activities that I enjoy: visiting my new baby niece, barbecuing with friends, attending weddings, etc. I need to do all that I can to prepare for another bout of serious bed rest (4-6 weeks), this time in a hospital setting.

All in all, it looks like (at the earliest) that I will be back into some sort of normalcy by mid-September. I have no clue what this means for teaching, coaching, triathloning, or any of it for that matter. BUT at least there is a light somewhere, ever so faint, at the end of the tunnel.