Take Your Marks

If you tell yourself something enough, those words become feelings and those feelings then, in turn, slowly become truth.

This cycle can be quite useful when telling yourself something goal-oriented or wise, and conversely quite detrimental when based upon pessimism and defeat. I never quite realized this applied to me because, ironically enough, I had told myself the same phrase so many times that it became a piece of me: like that scarf you always wrap your neck with or the wristwatch that gave you a matching tan.

This phrase, my phrase crept up on me shortly after becoming paralyzed. I never noticed it outwardly, but the feelings were immediate.

The phrase? You ask? "I could have been a good swimmer. I could have really gone somewhere, if I would have taken that opportunity to realize it while I still had the chance."

Even while I attempted to compete again nearly a decade ago, those words swam right along with me. Perhaps those words were all I had between me and actual competitive and mental victory.

It wasn't until a few weeks ago-- not to mention two bouts of bed rest and many notions of health shock-- that I realized something within me, that I created, was acting as a barrier. A barrier that had been present almost longer than not.

As I pushed my arms against the staircase descending into the water, I plunged my entire body and soul until I was completely submerged. At that point, it was just me and the water. Sounds coming from that conch shell of my mind followed the bubbles from my mouth. I was, in that exact moment, alone in the world with nothing but myself.

And what did I tell myself? That I COULD have been something. That I COULD have made it. That I COULD have accomplished it all.

For the first time ever, I told myself to be quiet.

I returned my focus to the bubbles and the conch shell. It was then, and only then, did I realize that it is NEVER TOO LATE...

I CAN be something. I CAN make it. I CAN accomplish it all.

And so here I sit, ready to compete again. I am ready to prove to myself and no one else that I can do the very thing that I have created previous barriers against. It may only be swimming, but to me it is a very crucial start in the right direction.

This new strength of potential achievement leaves me with, not only the contentment of a new project, but also with the excitement of (literally) uncharted waters. And with that, I pull harder than I ever have before. I push myself to want to stop. I set short-term goals for an upcoming meet in CA. I make this happen.