A Goal For The Future, A Future For The Goal

Currently, I am living in this cyclical state of wanting to create goals for myself but also not really wanting to put too much investment into the unknown future. This cyclical state is actually more like a tornado because it is definitely not getting me anywhere and definitely not helping.

Allow me to explain:

Generally speaking, goals are a great thing. As an athlete and a coach it is crucial for one to have set goals in mind in order to have something to strive for and to understand the intention you have for practice and competition. In life, goals are what usually separate the meek and weak from the truly successful ones, the "go getters" of society. Living life without ambition for something better is sort of like surrendering to the idea that you have no purpose. Realizing my own goals and pursuing them to the fullest is the only way to keep in true check with myself... Why am I here? What can I do in this world? Who do I aspire to be like? These questions can never be appropriately answered, but they really shouldn't be engaged without a fight.

Call me a fatalist, call me what you will, but it has always been really hard for me to make decisions based on promotion of the future. I imagine that this school of thought started after my accident, leaving me feeling as though ANYTHING could happen at ANY TIME. You can't plan for it, you can't change it, so you might as well not be bothered with it. Now I spend my days living in the present, "The Precious Present", if you will. It is far more comfortable and intelligent for me to think only about what I can do now to change or correct my current state. I can't help or know what is going to happen down the road, but I am responsible for what is happening now. So be it.

Now here is where it gets tricky. Having a desire to set goals for myself to engage in worthwhile activities and moments, yet all the while not really initiating future thought is nearly impossible. I do realize that in coming to India for this stem cell treatment that I was looking at my future, but I was looking at it through an opaque lens at best. I know that I want to lead a long and healthy life with few complications: that is my goal. Right now, I am having trouble maintaining such a fuzzy goal with so many others seeing it crystal clear for me. Duh Ryan, the goal is to walk. But is it? Does that truly have to be the end -all-be-all solution for what I am after?

In coming to India, I was actually quite nervous that my goals would change. That I would get asphyxiated with the idea of walking and would then transfer my life into thinking that I wouldn't be living a proper life without walking. This goal is very beautifully true for most people here and I can't help but feel a little offended. Am I not whole if I am not walking? Could I not be just as good from down here? At first I thought this feeling came from fear. I thought that if I had the goal to walk that I would not be able to live up to it and feel rejected forever. That is, with relief, not the case at all.

Surrendering to the idea that perhaps I am a little concerned for my future has not been any easier to swallow. I consciously remind myself throughout the hours of the day, that: if this was it could I be happy with that? But now, I am currently putting my entire life on hold to pursue a desire to extend myself beyond my current state of contentment. Wow, that is a lot of pressure. Luckily, I have found this experience thus far to be full up of reflection, learning, playing, and faith. I have found friends in a place where I didn't know I would need them. I have found love in the eyes of strangers. I have found an uncharted land full of beauty and wonder if you would only let it be so. I have found a piece of myself that I never knew I was missing.

Thank you India, thank you craziness, thank you stem cells, thank you unknown, thank you friendship, thank you goals, and thank you future.

P.S. Today is India's Independence Day to be celebrated with no Physio and a dance party downstairs. More on that later.