Day 21

Today I began with a very specific goal: I wanted simply to see how long I could swim. This is something that I've pondered quite often for a very long time. In doing this project, I realized, "What better day than Christmas Eve." And that is how my day began.

Knowing full well that my body works more like a machine than anything else when swimming, I was uncertain how long I could really go. It is usually referred to as the "insatiable endurance", and I pride myself on it very much. In thinking about it, I only hoped to be able to last as long as it took me to run a marathon a couple years back (just over 3 hours).

I think that one of the reasons that I haven't tried this task before is that I was scared that I was overly confident and overly proud of my physical capabilities. I mean, you have to get tired at some point, right?! So I have to say that embarking on this project has absolutely forced me to do things that I may have thought about for awhile, but just not yet had the courage to take the plunge... quite literally.

This plunge was more of a plop. The water was cold, but I felt prepared. I had chosen my gear wisely today. Rummaging through my basket of swimsuits for the softest, most comfortable ones. I picked the goggles that love my eye sockets almost as much as I do and a swim cap with just the right amount of grip. And so it goes... 25... 50... 75... 100. With every stroke I was immediately overcome with the looming anxiety of potential disappointment. I have always trusted my body in the water, far more than on any land. I've never needed anything extra to adapt my swimming, which has always meant so much to me. What if my body really CAN give out? What if I am not as strong as I think I am?

The first 1000 yards was the most grueling. Every lap gave me a keener notion of how cold the water was. My skin was tightening into little bumps acknowledging the vicious temperature change. My goggles were too tight, or not tight enough. My arm was going numb, the way it tends to do so often to remind me of the power that nerves have, especially when they are being constricted by your elbow joints. All of my concentration was placed upon negative things and the fear began to drown me.

Wait! I can control how I feel and what I think of this! I began to tell myself to focus on each stroke and note how the pull of the water feels and how wonderful it is to be able to feel such a thing.

Once my focus shifted a bit, I began to think only of the NOW and that lofty goal of yardage faded with my pains. The anxiety was gone. Imagine that: it wasn't about the end result after all. Yes, I feel quite accomplished to have finished 5000 yards in just over 3 hours of swim time; however, more importantly it was the process of getting there. It was coaching myself through the pain. It was engaging in a direct connection to my mind and body. It was forcing myself to feel everything and move on.

Only because I am so competitive and an over-achieving wannabe I will tell you that I did not quit because I was tired or even bored. Through this whole process, my mind and my body learned to work in sync with each other, giving me a heightened sense of my overall being. And that is the greatest practice that anyone can undertake.

Perhaps I will make this a new tradition. Let's go for 4 hours next Christmas Eve...