Silence For Swimming

Something suddenly just hit me. I have nothing swirling in my brain that ISN'T directly related to swimming... Thus, being the cause of my negligence.

Your purpose and meaning for life can swing and sway, and right now the wind is blowing fairly strong in one, specific direction.

I hope it doesn't cause too much of a storm. Or maybe I do.

See what I mean?

www.ryanistryin.blogspot.com

Giving Them the Credit

Teaching has never been a job for me.

When speaking of my "work" I always refer to it as "school", primarily because it doesn't truly feel like work. It feels like something more special. Even the word "career" isn't close. It could better be described as "a moral duty by my own consciousness and the Universe." Nah, that's not it either....

With that said, the hardest part of this "job" has always been learning about all of the external fireworks that moonlight as children's lives outside of the school walls. I can take the grading of papers. I can take the 5 lectures per day on the same biologically fascinating concept. I can take the helicopter parent calls. I can take the surprise administration observations.

I cannot take the truth that kids are not immune from the real world.

Currently, I have a myriad of real-life issues that should never even brush the shoulder of a child ranging from teen parenthood, to depression, to suicide, to disability, to harassment, and others (I shudder to think) that I'm not even aware of.

If only we could educate children about these issues without them actually having to have the experience of them. So many of our children are faced with problems that even the most stable of adults couldn't rope a lasso around. And they are supposed to also gain an education and be motivated on a daily basis for such things?

Kids aren't given enough credit for their poise, most of which who never realize the word for it.

My Conscious Memory

Often, I find myself trying to remember the slightest details as time does its ticking. I focus on sounds and colors and smells and feelings. I am trying, ever so desperately, to consciously create a memory.

For the most part, this effort is highly successful and I can be proud of that new moment that is now, forever, embedded deep within my cerebrum.

Today, was definitely one of those days.

I am starting to think that the process of conscious memory should happen more often in my life. The more things that I actively try to create as a memorable experience, the more of those memorable experiences I will have. Right?

Thirty & Thirsty.

For those of you that know me, it is no surprise that I spent the initial hours of my birthday rubbing tired 4AM eyes and hopping into an icy abyss of chlorine. Now, in my opinion, THAT is a celebration of life!

Stroke after stroke, breath after breath, I pondered my very existence the only way appropriate for such an early morning workout. I began asking myself, "What have I done in 30 years?" As the strokes became easier and the breath less labored, my question transitioned ever so slightly into, "What haven't I done in 30 years?"

This question proved to be the better of the two. I then could direct my attention to those goals and dreams that have been resting idle as well as those ever-scary "shoulda, woulda, couldas." The difference between now and every time prior: those thoughts felt freeing, empowering even.

I am a 30 year old woman with a lot of experience tucked tightly into my overflowing pockets. I have lived a life that few have journeyed and I have traveled beyond my own imagination over and over again. I am sparked by the prospects that the future may hold, for better or worse. For one of the greatest lessons that these 30 years have given me is that it ALL is worth it. I am 30 and thirsty!

T-Shirts!

Just a quick note:

For those of you who attended the June fund raiser held in my honor by two amazing young women, Sophie and Jordan, you may remember the awesome t-shirts they had made. For those of you who couldn't attend, take my word for it.

At their request, I would like to announce that

if you would still like to purchase a t-shirt there are some leftover. I'm not sure about sizes or quantities, but if interested please shoot over an email to:

inspiredshirts@gmail.com

Growing Up Takes Time

Growing up is something that happens to everyone, if they are lucky enough. It comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes. It becomes a drastically different concept the closer you are to reaching it. It is fantastically uncharted territory that everyone dreams about on some level. It is scary.

If we were to pause and take a flashback into a time where I was too young to drive, too young to have a mortgage, and too young to be disappointed we would see the half-my-current-age me longing for nothing more than to ace my dreaded biology final and buy that awesome shirt at the mall.

That same Ryan would also be dreaming of her future like any other teenager would. It is so remarkable how those ideas tend to change through time by the hands of your experiences alone.

Beyond myself, I would gaze into the future of my friends. I would wonder about their existences and mine down the road. Would we still be in each others' lives? Would we all be happy?

Over the past two weekends I have spent some time gazing into the current futures of my friends. I have been to the baby shower of a beloved friend and the engagement party of another; both of who were bound to me with something stronger than blood that night over 13 years ago that changed everything.

To watch these friends grow and change and add to their lives in the form of companions, family, friends, and now babies I couldn't help but feel a beaming from my heart. These strong and deserving friends of mine are growing up. They are beginning new journeys that will take them very far for a very long time. I am so proud to even witness it.

As for me? I am still searching. I am sort of realizing that part of my path is to remain a searcher. For some reason I need that unbalanced side to keep everything in place. I am growing up, just not the way that I had particularly fantasized about so long ago. However, this life that sits before me is, undoubtedly, a comforting mix of chaos and drawing outside of the lines.

I appreciate it everyday, so much that I have wholeheartedly stopped fantasizing about the future.

The Midst of Accomplishment

Today, an essay that I wrote back in December was finally published! It is a "This I Believe" essay. Time seems to fade away ever so slightly in the midst of accomplishment.

I wrote this piece as one of my "projects" and had nearly forgotten about its presence until I received an email about it this morning. It was fun to reread and reflect on the specifics of that time period. Although I'd never like to go back to that determined point, it is ever so necessary that it existed in the first place.

My Future, Backwards.

Something that has been circling in my mind as of late is the notion of one's experiences through time. There are journeys and travels. There always is a first for everything, as well as a last. There are memories of things that have never been. There are feelings of familiarity and nostalgia. There is a time for it all.

Lately, my tiny spotlight has been positioned upon those experiences that are presently occurring, reminding you of a past in which felt completely different.

For example, I have a fond memory of me getting lost on a non-specific New Year's Day through the winding roads of the mountains. Panic had set in, not because of my unknown surroundings, but rather because my gas gauge was shining it's little orange light indicating the necessity of a gas station. There was none in sight. Finally, I convinced myself to turn around the the way I had come; for there was a gas station in this small town I passed nearly 20 minutes ago. The station was closed, but luckily the owner of it was bored and saw me pull in. He turned on the pumps just for me. Needless to say, that small town was Kittredge... the town that I currently call home. That winded highway... the road that my property looks out to, a road I journey nearly everyday and could, most likely, do so without eyesight. The gas station... one of only a few places in town to buy essentials and chat up the weather.

I think of this story at times when I come across a new adventure or highway, wondering if it will, somehow, in the future be part of my life. This backwards sort of logic has been sort of fun when fantasizing about my future and future instances.

Looking at life backwards to look toward the future is something that makes sense to me, for whatever reason, and it's comfortable. I suggest a sampling of your own. I guess it's just another perspective to dive into, to see all angles of light that projects onto you.

On Being Healed

Healing is a concept not only reserved for the body, but for the mind as well. This concept refers to a state in which either your body or brain are slowly returning to its natural state of normal.

My healing has been an ongoing process for over a year now. Whether in brain or body, my healing has consumed me. It has been so difficult pretending to live a normal life while feeling like there is healing yet to happen.

Today, however, I am exclaiming to the echoes in the mountains, the stars in the sky, and the fish in the sea that I am HEALED!

It has been so long since I have had this sort of confidence. I am incredibly empowered and am ready to put my health issues behind me. And even more so, I am not frightened that new issues lie around every sneaky corner.

With all of that said, I am off to regain my life back. Perhaps a walk around the lake will help jump-start this new existence...

The Path That Leads You

I have always been a firm believer in fate. And in my head, that fate looks like paths outlined in finely grained dirt the color of adobe brick, surrounded by tall reeds of glowing grasses dancing in an imaginary breeze.

Throughout my life thus far, I have faced many forks in the road, many a windstorm erasing the dirt path underneath me, and many sun-shiny paths awaiting my arrival. I never fret about the path to take, for I feel like it is decided already and will be the right choice no matter what.

So long as you are willing to pay attention on the steps that you make as you walk down that path... left foot, right foot... you are reflecting upon the experience, which is the whole purpose of it all anyway.

The path is the most important part of life. It's the journey that takes you there. The "there" doesn't really matter in the end. It is the "left foot, right foot" thing that makes all the difference.

Magic Happens Every Day...

...if you are brave enough to see it.

Open your eyes to the wonders of the world. Explore beyond your mind. Explore into your mind. There are endless possibilities for happiness, growth, strength, and opportunity provided that you are keen to understand both sides of the story.

Be brave, be open, be you.

A Brave New Blog

My mind has been consumed lately with the fantasy of swimming. Of becoming exactly what I never knew I could be. Those thoughts are with me as my eyes first establish their morning squint. Those thoughts are with me as I parade around my laundry basket. Those thoughts are with me while riding my bike in fabulous circles through the park. Those thoughts also find their way to my dreams.

I have to follow it. I have to go for it and try something that I never felt possible. And because of it all, I had to find a way to share it all.

Please visit my new training blog at:

Ryan Is Tryin'

The Path Through Communication

Communication is one of our most powerful tools. It sets humans apart from most other organisms in the way we verbalize, cue, and create languages suited for describing emotion.

I have always been a strong advocate for utilizing communication within all relationships; however, I had (in my past) neglected to note the power that hid within reaching out and communicating with people that are outside of your personal comfort.

Just today I have I been reminded of that power having sought out an old coaching acquaintance for some potential personal and professional help. The request was nabbed with open arms and I am so excited to be receiving assistance in such a gracious manner. (**more to come on this later!)

Nevertheless, this experience reminds me of the very first time I reached out to communicate with a total stranger. I blindly contacted the director of an organization that I felt passionate about. That email turned into an afternoon of tea, which turned into being introduced to her children and husband, which soon became a sort of kinship that I have never knew I was missing before.

These instances of communication, I feel, are a way of possessing my own destiny while ensuring that the path I've chosen is in the right direction at the right time. It feels really good to take a leap to communicate with someone new and have it directly create a path that you know has actually been there, hidden by layers of earth and green, all along.

Lessons In Failing

Out of everything that I am sure of, I know that the lessons that we learn and take with us are the things that create LIFE. Everything else is just extra STUFF that keeps us either entertained or distracted.

With that said, I have learned a very valuable lesson that (I believe) was actually crucial in being able to continue on living with a smile, clinking my lucky penny alongside my heart-shaped tin of hope, while skipping and whistling the theme song to "It's A Wonderful Life."

This lesson, I now realize, could only be achieved through a blast of great darkness. Over a year ago, being placed on indefinite bed rest and forced with the thought of not being able to heal, I felt hopeless... motionless... guideless..........................scared.

For the first time in my life, even through previous tumbles and falls, my body did not have the power or will, or both, to heal itself. No matter the medication. No matter the meditation. My body had failed in a big way. The infection had won and without the blessing of modern medical conveniences, my body would have surrendered entirely to a solider with one simple name: Bacteria.

As much as I tried not to focus on the fact that my body had failed in such a manner, it was extremely distressing. If my body were to give up so easily this time around, how many more chances did I have left? The entire experience was shuddering.

Shoved strategically to the darkest lobes of my brain, those thoughts appeared to fade once the surgeries had done the jobs that my body couldn't and I began to regain the life I had once known.

Fast-forward seven months and there you have another moment of failure. If I were my body's biology teacher, they'd be out of intramurals for sure, meeting at my round table every lunch period just to raise it's grade. This failure put my mind exactly back to the place I was before. Scared and untrusting of its power and will to endure any sort of natural healing.

However, after giving my body those tools it needed: nourishment, water, sleep, vitamins, exercise, love, respect, confidence... it finally responded.

This time, my body told me that it would not let me down. It was not going to fail me again. My body, with all of the power and teamwork of healthy cells, proved to me that it's not over. That the remarkable human body doesn't have to cease to amaze me, or anyone else for that matter. It will be there, doing its job, if you let it... and trust it.

Now that I have that impression of the capacity and capabilities that my body HAD in store for me, I can only wonder and dream about the possibilities that STILL lie ahead.

Take Your Marks

If you tell yourself something enough, those words become feelings and those feelings then, in turn, slowly become truth.

This cycle can be quite useful when telling yourself something goal-oriented or wise, and conversely quite detrimental when based upon pessimism and defeat. I never quite realized this applied to me because, ironically enough, I had told myself the same phrase so many times that it became a piece of me: like that scarf you always wrap your neck with or the wristwatch that gave you a matching tan.

This phrase, my phrase crept up on me shortly after becoming paralyzed. I never noticed it outwardly, but the feelings were immediate.

The phrase? You ask? "I could have been a good swimmer. I could have really gone somewhere, if I would have taken that opportunity to realize it while I still had the chance."

Even while I attempted to compete again nearly a decade ago, those words swam right along with me. Perhaps those words were all I had between me and actual competitive and mental victory.

It wasn't until a few weeks ago-- not to mention two bouts of bed rest and many notions of health shock-- that I realized something within me, that I created, was acting as a barrier. A barrier that had been present almost longer than not.

As I pushed my arms against the staircase descending into the water, I plunged my entire body and soul until I was completely submerged. At that point, it was just me and the water. Sounds coming from that conch shell of my mind followed the bubbles from my mouth. I was, in that exact moment, alone in the world with nothing but myself.

And what did I tell myself? That I COULD have been something. That I COULD have made it. That I COULD have accomplished it all.

For the first time ever, I told myself to be quiet.

I returned my focus to the bubbles and the conch shell. It was then, and only then, did I realize that it is NEVER TOO LATE...

I CAN be something. I CAN make it. I CAN accomplish it all.

And so here I sit, ready to compete again. I am ready to prove to myself and no one else that I can do the very thing that I have created previous barriers against. It may only be swimming, but to me it is a very crucial start in the right direction.

This new strength of potential achievement leaves me with, not only the contentment of a new project, but also with the excitement of (literally) uncharted waters. And with that, I pull harder than I ever have before. I push myself to want to stop. I set short-term goals for an upcoming meet in CA. I make this happen.

A Promise

In sharing the afternoon with a friend, I realized something VERY important pouring out of my mouth...

I was reminiscing about my time spent in India and the self-appointed job of daily blogging, when I suddenly realized how crucial that writing was to me at that time. I also realized that nothing within me has changed so to make that event any less important. Having a moment at the end of my every day to reflect on that particular day's worth is such a fantastic way to stay connected with your mind, body, and the rest of the Universe.

With that said, I can't promise to write everyday... but what I can promise to myself is a greater consciousness of reflection upon the experiences that combine to make up a single day in the life.

Time For A New Motto

A few weeks ago, you may have heard my latest motto: "without health you have nothing." You may have even agreed with me. For I am the ultimate first-hand posterchild for such a phrase. Once my health begins to deteriorate (only months after regaining it), I am (once again) enlisted into an army of dispair, waiting patiently for its return while surrendering to the unease of time in a bed-bound state.

BUT this is a new time. It is always a new time. Moments pass by and can never be relived or even imagined to the same extent. My recent setback brought me straight back to moments of my sickness last year, ones never to be compared. I spent awhile feeling as though I was retracing those torrid steps, one pace at a time, until I realized that it was only me who had made the claim of sameness.

This experience, just like every one before, is new. And in the struggle to not compare my past health with my current health, I have come to realize something more important than the experience itself: my life is so much more than the pieces that make up my day.

I am wrong; without health I still have so much.

I have friends and smiles and curiosity and juicy apples and daydreams and sunshine and hugs and late-night advice and baby giggles and hummingbirds and so much more that I have let go to the wayside by giving discontent its given name.

But no more. My health is important, that is the truth; however, my life is far more complex and enduring and cannot all be stopped because of this one important aspect.

My life will not be over as long as I am around to live it.

DETOUR

A few weeks ago, as I was traveling home I stumbled upon some unusual traffic heading up the mountain. Traffic never seems to worry me; typically it gives me some well-sought out reflection and replenish time.

The road was a steep grade up through the foothills, making it practically impossible to see any clarity in the horizon. The cars came to a stop. In the distance, a LED sign securing all of the commuters' fates: "BOULDER IN ROAD. ROAD CLOSED. DETOUR."

Enduring the delay, and not realizing at the time the profound metaphor that was created therein, I joyfully turned up the radio and took the longer way home.

This experience serves as a particularly important lesson to me at this time. Although there may be a boulder in your path preventing you from traveling the method you originally chose, the slowed traffic will find a way to its destination one way or another.

Perhaps in this metaphor my precise destination is unknown; however I will endure this DETOUR with the radio up and a smile of my lips.

The Importance of Education

Education is a lifelong process; in fact, it is the only process that you can begin with your birth and carry with you for the rest of your life. Therefore, it is crucial to find meaning and recognition in those aspects of your life that are there to teach you. Education does not only have to be found in a classroom, surrounded by chalk dust and sharpened pencils. Education can, and should be, everywhere.

Traditional education through academia is imperative in the journey of one’s life. There you will be introduced to the world of wonder: having virtually every subject, resource, and material at your fingertips. School is a foundation of truth and curiosity, provided that you let it be so.

In addition to traditional education, learning should not arrest there. A doorway into a world that exists for one’s own fostering and progression, school is just the beginning.

"I was bold in the pursuit of knowledge, never fearing to follow truth and reason to whatever results they led, and bearding every authority which stood in their way."

-- Thomas Jefferson

The wealth of education is upon you, it is within each one of us wrestling to get out and discover the world. Knowledge is the key to a happy and successful existence, with a bright splash of perspective and motivation, your educational pursuit can take you anywhere.

My Inspiration

in·spi·ra·tion
Pronunciation: \ˌin(t)-spə-ˈrā-shən, -(ˌ)spi-\
Function: noun
Date: 14th century
1 a : a divine influence or action on a person believed to qualify him or her to receive and communicate sacred revelation b : the action or power of moving the intellect or emotions c : the act of influencing or suggesting opinions

This term flows around my head, taking turns spinning and resting between my auditory canals and cerebrum. I am not sure why this appears to be the word of choice when complimenting me; however, I am NOT complaining... just trying to understand.

From what I can tell, perhaps people deem me inspirational because I have opened my eyes to the inspiration around me. I try to take that same "power of intellect and emotions" and hold it tight. I try to emulate it. I try it on for size. I hold a mirror to it to project your beautiful inspiration back at you.

And for this, I am certain, is the reason why I hear about me being such an inspiration. Where in fact, I have only become more aware of addressing it and using it from the world around me than most.

It isn't me... it is all of you who are an inspiration to me, and this is what keeps that big ball of earth and ozone in motion.

Taking What I Know

Lately, the Universe is trying to tell me to become a motivational speaker, or at least a motivator of learned experience, in some regard. I am trying to listen to this and figure out where to go next. With a class speech upcoming on Thursday, I have prepared a list of my own personal wisdoms to share in the same format in which this course was designed. So, I figure I will start by sharing them with my blog world:

LESSONS AND INSPIRATION by Ryan McLean

· You are responsible for creating your own reality. That includes both your prides and your limitations.

The way that you live your life is dependent upon how you see the world. After all, the world only exists for you through the way that you see, hear, taste, touch, and smell it. Your perspective is the key to finding true happiness within yourself and the world that you interact in. If you are unable to find happiness naturally, perhaps is just a case of altering the way that you perceive what is directly in front of you.

· Nobody knows how you’d react until it happens to you.

There is something to be said about experience. Without it, your reaction to situations would be far too raw and intolerable. You can never prepare yourself fully for any experience, and nor should you. The world opens up to each of us in various ways and there is no telling the way that it will be handled by each individual until sitting boldly in front of us. Trust in yourself to handle every situation with grace and truth.

· Joy and pain aren’t opposites; they are compliments.

For those who have experienced some of the lowest and darkest moments that they could imagine, have a special glimpse into a real sort of joy that couldn’t possibly be imagined any other way. It is only possible to recognize true happiness when both the face of fear and pain have been met, head-on. Take those instances of pain and use them as a stepping stone into something far more beautiful and permanent.

· The lessons you need most are all around you waiting for you to get the hint.

Those times in which you need guidance most is the time that you should sit back and listen to the wind, enjoy the way the trees dance, and wait for the universe to provide those things you have been seeking. Setting forth to find your own life’s lessons can be valuable and rewarding; however, many times it is far better to sit back, relax, and breathe into the day. Allowing yourself to be open to opportunities that may glance your way, is crucial when attempting to realize your true potential, because they may be otherwise missed if actively searching for something that may not be right.

· Force yourself to get to know you. An internal dialogue is absolutely normal and deserves to be listened to.

It goes far beyond talking to yourself. Your internal dialogue manages to keep you in check with the real you and can be far more valuable than one might think. This dialogue becomes more present when you unknowingly deviate from your true self. It is also a way for you to reflect upon the actions that you are currently making, paying close attention to the value that they have on your ultimate character.

· Challenging yourself is where you learn MOST about yourself.

Those times in which you feel most vulnerable and uncomfortable is where you can learn to let go of those things that you’ve placed for all to see and be the most true. When you set yourself up with a challenge, you are going forward towards a goal that you yourself has deemed difficult, yet rewarding. The process in which this challenge is made is what truly matters, along with the manner in which you poise yourself and react throughout its entirety. Life is one giant lesson in challenges and rising above your own self to be willing to dive into them.

· Believe in the present, accept the past, and hope for the future.

For all intents, the only thing that you have is right now. The past can only be remembered and the future one can only dream. What matters most is the moment of the present. Right now you are capable of rewarding adventures, mind-tingling thoughts, and the deepest perceptions of the surrounding world. Take it all in now; for it’s all you can be sure of.

Three Cups of Me

You know that question where you are supposed to decide on one person that you'd like meet, no matter the era or locale? Until just recently, I have never found a soul to completely fulfill that specified question.

After becoming mesmerized throughout the pages of "Three Cups of Tea," I discovered the work of Greg Mortenson and became enamored. He is a man who understands the value of education and the global impact that it can have when the specific efforts are applied. What's more, is that he took that understanding and created a tangible and proactive organization that has blossomed over the past decade or so.

So, not only did I come to find my answer to that question; but the reality of that scenario actually occurred before I really had a chance to imagine how it would even play out.

Yesterday I, with the persistence of my new, yet dear friend Christiane, found myself at an event where tea was the scaffolding for creating bonds and inspiring communities. Rubbing my eyes several times in disbelief, I sat among the graceful and the powerful and the charitable. Greg Mortenson flowed through the room, so light on his feet-- astonishing for someone of his grand stature. Not missing a smile, he moved around the room shaking hands and making acquaintances. As he neared my table, my heart began to shove the blood, rather forcefully, through my extremities and up to my head. It was trying so desperately to give me a better ability for intelligence.

Finally, he made it. A good friend of mine, Dave, sat next to me as my confidant for the day. He was the first approached by Mr. Mortenson. They shook and exchanged. It was now my turn...

"Hello," he said with giant hand outstretched.

"Hi, you already signed my book." Was the only thing that came out.

"Oh. And what is your name?"

"Ryan."

"Pleased to meet you, Ryan." And with apparently nothing more to say, made so by my indifferent-seeming answers, he left.

Seriously? Was that all I had to say? What about all of the questions that I have pondered for months on end about the inter-workings of his organization and the future of expansion into other territories and the concept of global education and all of the billions of other things that have kept me awake at night bouncing from synapse to synapse? What went wrong? Why couldn't I have come up with something, anything to say?

But that is when I realized, it wasn't to be that way. For that instant, he was sensationalized. He was a rockstar and I was a groupie. There was no room for a meeting of the minds in this concert hall. I was in no place to conjure up the greatest part of this man, and nor would I ever. And that is okay. I don't need to express to him neither love nor gratitude. I don't need to beg him questions.

What I need is to continue to learn and grow from those people around me, however close or far. I will take in little parts from each to create my own whole. I have no need to become someone that already exists, for that is far too overplayed. I will, though, take Greg Morteson's wisdoms and graces and courages and impulses to carry my own self to wherever it is that this soul might travel next.

It's Been 13 Years...

Since I was a kid.
Since my world seemed simple.
Since I jumped down stairs.
Since I believed that everything was only one way.
Since I used a kickboard.
Since things felt too hard to try.
Since I stubbed my toe.
Since I have been afraid of needles.
Since I could remain anonymous.
Since elevators weren't on my radar.
Since I wondered about my purpose.
Since life happened only on TV.
Since I was too young to understand.
Since history was something read, not created.
Since I questioned my character.
Since I did a cartwheel.
Since I lost in arm-wrestling.
Since the world revolved around me.
Since I needed others to make me feel good.
Since magic was only an illusion.
Since I saw obstacles as a bad thing.
Since I sat in darkness.
Since I found myself.

The World As I See It

You have senses for the sole purpose of giving your mind and spirit an awareness of everything else that surrounds it. Senses to taste, touch, hear, see, and smell anything to heighten the expression of the world. All of this I find fascinating.

Ever since my project ended, I have been left with two distinct imprints. The first is the outline of space in which I feel like I am actually missing out on those everyday experiences that I, sometimes, forced myself into. The other, a much more impressionable imprint--if you will-- being that of the lingering feeling of self-discovery.

I knew that going into this project that I was in need of finding my own deeper self. Someone that lurked behind the blue in my eyes. This person had yet to surface, although a part of me all along. Everyone has this self within them too. Its willingness to show itself, however, is quite different among you and me. My deeper self had been waiting for quite some time to appear and alter my consciousness for better or for worse forever.

This self has emerged right through the blue and into the world that exists only in senses. It is calling for me to experience the world in a new light. A light that sees much more than colors and creates far more than photosynthetic energy.

My self-awareness and global reflection is astonishing to me. I am far more capable than I have ever been. The clarity beyond the blue combined with the light that creates no shadows is here for all of us to experience-- to taste, to touch, to hear, to see, and to smell.

I urge you to go. Find your deeper self; the one that is patient to get out and show you true living from the inside out.

Moving Backwards Into Tomorrow?

It'll be one day shy of ten months since I have set foot in my classroom. It has been that long since I have scratched out lesson plans 20 minutes before acting them out, gabbed with kids about their teenage woes over lunch, jammed the copy machine, and woke up before 5AM.

It feels like a different world, another time, yet I will be back in full-swing early tomorrow morning. One of my most prominent fears of this whole thing is that all of my self-reflection and awareness of life that I have explored over the past months will be lost. I will step foot into my old life, moving backwards, losing all of my forward momentum. Is that possible? Can you really MOVE in any direction other than forward, facing the future with your present? I hope not.

I have come too far to go back to where I was. I am in such a precious place in between my cerebrum and this vast planet: somewhere, I reside in the combination of both. I enjoy what I have discovered about myself and how I fit in this world. I am far more wise about my actions and far more enlightened about my thoughts.

We will only wait and see what happens to me as I join back into living in the "real world". One can only tell. I am going to hold onto my strength of self and grip it with white knuckles, waving it around for all to see. I am going to keep small pieces of that same strength in my pocket, hoping to not confuse it with grocery lists, tardy notes, and fortune cookie wisdom.

Turning-Points & Stepping Stones

Sometimes you meet someone that you know, right away, will impact you forever. This is a rare, yet cherished moment of humanity.

Going into my meeting with the director for Pennies for Peace, I just knew that this would be one of those circumstances. I have researched and understand the mission behind this organization and I was sure that this was both the turning-point and stepping stone that I've been searching for all along.

Our meeting was far more magical than I could have ever pretended it to be in my head. This woman is courageous and strong-willed. She is compassionate and intuitive. However, the most remarkable part was that we mirrored each other so well. I can't fully describe our meeting, nor do I feel the need to. Just trust me.

Now, I look upon this experience with such glory. It all started out with a simple email during my own personal journey (Day 18). My desires to become a better global citizen and more true to myself led me to Pennies for Peace. But today I feel like my introduction to all of this now means so much more...

An Experience Revisited: Phoenix Security

I received a letter in the mail from Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport today. This letter acknowledgeed my complaint (from Day 1) and asked for me to contact them to review further information.

Having little experience on matters of complaints, I dialed the number at the bottom of the signature. The soft voice on the other end answered bluntly only by name. I believe I began with something like this: "Uhh, my name is Ryan McLean and I am returning a call from you about a... complaint? I'm not sure if it is a considered a complaint..." The TSA Customer Support agent, simply replied with a, "Yes, it is a complaint, and that it should be."

She asked me to recount the day. I did so similarly to how I would to a friend, not even leaving out the part where I told the security supervisor that if he wanted documentation he could look at the scar on my butt. I didn't mean that statement as disrespectful. In the heat of my moment of panic, I would have gladly showed that only documentation that I had on my person!

The TSA agent was kind and concerned for my care in Phoenix. In her letter she stated that, "we need to be humane and responsive to the various medical needs of the traveling public..." She explained to me the need for this letter to be directed to the management of security, which she would do so personally. She also expressed gratitude towards me for even writing a letter and how she hoped that it would become a learning tool for future security agent training sessions. It was encouraging to hear that my words were acknowledged and that those words may even make a difference for future passengers. I suppose that is why people complain in the first place?

After recounting that day at the airport, the agent simply asked me what I would hope to see from this. I explained to her how I am not someone to disobey rules, especially those in place for my own and everyone else's safety; however, it was the act of complete disregard that was felt that day in the rows of shoeless passengers lined like cattle herds. I spoke to her frankly and with great passion. These security personnel need to be educated on disabilities. They need to be able to understand basic information regarding different disabilities, as well as how to approach issues that may be different from the rules written. The problem from the very beginning, that day, was that no one took into account that it wasn't my choice to live life like this, and there was nothing that they could say or restrict from me to change that. Perhaps not only airport security officials need a training session on this...

What Seems To Be Over...

...has only just begun.

PROJECT ME has officially ended based on the instructions that I had placed upon myself. It was a very intense few weeks filled with stressful moments of picking tasks, as well as equally stressful moments of carrying out those tasks. But it has all been so worth it. Every last second of it.

I have learned so much from these experiences, ranging from understanding how my physical endurance relates to my mental endurance, all the way to realizing the potential impact of standing up and speaking for something that is important to me.

From all of this, I am changed. Knowing that it is over leaves me with a bit of relief for the sense of stress that can be felt when choosing an experience. However, even more so is the feeling of anxiety that is left in this now vacant space in my being. I am so afraid that I will lose the openness and mindfulness that I have developed through these days. I have spent so much time tuning into my soul and broadcasting as far through the world that it would reach, that I now know what it all feels like and what it all means to me.

One thing that I didn't realize at first, or even at twenty-first, is that the process of this project seemed to have a span of impact. My thoughts and feelings suddenly weren't the only ones that were being affected. I am proud, yet almost speechless, to say that some of what I have written and expressed from all of this has translated to others. It has been a big, fat blob awarded the power of being molded to anything that may fit the reader at that specific time. Taken what could be from each day, the reader could hold close any part that resonated and leave the rest there for someone else to ponder. This whole thing has been remarkable.

I cannot go back to the way things have played out for me in the past. I must be strong enough and courageous enough to keep the drive for bettering myself and the world, even though the monotony and comfort of an old self can be quite strong too. I will continue to remain within myself but also surrounded from all sides. Focusing on these things will always bring me great wisdom, I am certain.

If ever I feel like I am being sucked backwards into a time where motions have no meaning, I will look to those times where I forced myself into something new everyday. I will recreate some of that magic through even more new experiences, because I know so many more exist. .

So where does this leave me? The answer is: It doesn't.