I Am Ready Now

Okay. I am ready to start.

Yesterday I was approached by both Dr. Shroff and Dr. Ashish, sort of like an "encouragement sandwich" of sorts. I suppose they were both compelled by some great wisdom that knew that I was struggling inside.

Dr. Shroff demanded my muscles to move. Can she actually do that? What if I let her down? Ugh. She knows that I am scared. She tells me that I must try to move, because I can move, but I am the one that is keeping the movement from happening--because I am having a hard time believing. Yikes! How can she see into my soul with such precision?

She proceeded the only logical way she knew how. Dr. Shroff video taped all different attempts at muscle contractions in my legs, then forced me to watch the entire tape. "See, that is a flicker!" She exclaimed. Still I am leery. Ahh!! She senses that too! Stop feeling badly about things, she can see right through you.

Dr. Ashish could sense the same but was a little more discrete in his tactics. He just politely explained the procedures and how everything will take time. Between these two interactions, half of me wanted to break down into tears and the other half wanted to smile from my heart. I was mad that they sensed my own doubt, but truly felt their belief in me.

So what do I do? I sit on it all day, take a swim, eat a bunch of food...sleeeeeep... and go to the mall. (Don't worry folks, I wasn't alone.) Between all of this distraction I think that I have had time to speak to myself a bit about WHY I am so apprehensive, negative even.

Sarah is partially correct. It is a vulnerability thing. Nobody wants to feel out of control and vulnerable to your expectations, let alone anyone else's. But it is, in fact, a few layers deeper than that. You could scrape down the epidermis layer, past that nasty adipose, straight into the real meat of it.

A lot of myself rests in what I have created for me in the last decade or so. It just so happens that a lot of who I am revolves around many factors of my paralysis: The people I know. The challenges I face. The decisions I make. The path I follow.

All of these things and a bouquet of others add up to one BIG thing. While I was growing from a "child" to an "adult," these factors grew with me. I don't know what it is like anymore to wiggle a toe, and I told my self many times that it didn't matter. But it does?!? If said toe does wiggle, then does it make me less ME?

After being showered in questions from the depths of my soul I decided that I had better start answering them. It is an interesting event to have a conversation with your higher-self, but someone had to do it. After a long and drawn out day of half thoughts and inquiries, I feel much more at peace with my crazy self.

I know that with all of my nervousness and psychoses about my newfound, limitless potential that this is exactly what I signed up for. I am doing this for me with the hope that something will happen. And it will. It is already beginning to transform me physically, in many ways that are only connected and detected by me...but it is happening and I am ready.