Seeking Solace

With so many things being upside-down and backwards right now it was necessary to find something to soak my soul...

I know that I have eluded to my of struggle with trying to find harmony between my physical capabilities along with my mental capabilities, but this is getting extremely confusing and quite a mountain for me to hike.

In fact, I know exactly what it feels like to stub a toe, to have an itchy knee, to bump your ankle on the side of the bed, etc. This is why it makes it so hard for me to discern what is real from what is a sort of mental memory for me. Athletes are said to recover better from injuries because they have what is called good muscle memory. Well, I have good mental muscle memory... and because of this, it is hard for me to decide if what I feel is real or simply a daydream of the past. In some respect, it might be a good thing that I can remember these feelings because isn't it really true that all we have in life is our own perception of things? Isn't feeling really all mental anyways. You say, "ouch!" when it FEELS bad. Does it feel that bad to everyone? No. Everyone has their direct connection of brain and body to tell them how they feel. But if your brain already knows, is it just a waste of time consulting the body? Who's to say.

With the complications of not being able to tell where feelings are supposed to come from, along with the fact that I just found out that I am Chairman of the Board of Cynics when it comes to me gaining any function back... I...Just...Don't...Know. I really want this to work, but I am so afraid of the disappointment that I think that I would rather shoot it down before it hurts. I am currently working through that.

Anyways, today was uplifting.

For the first time since I arrived in Delhi I was able to freestyle. I have been talking about it for days--swimming. We have been having trouble finding a good time to go because there are so many insane rules regarding the act of swim in Delhi that I thought I was going to explode. But today nothing was going to stop me: no procedure, no kurta, no physio, no soy milk, no nothing.

It was so wonderful to hold my breath at intervals, rotate and stretch, feel sun and water at the same time, take in the sounds of punching strokes and bubbles. It was amazing. (Now reading the other gals' blogs may tell you different, but believe me--absolutely worth it).

Sometimes I forget that I was nearly born in the water. My mind functions at full optimum only when submerged in a pool, lake, or ocean. For some reason, all time appears to slow down to a heart-beat rhythm and nothing more. Just me, alone with myself. Reconnecting.

So much better.